If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t bother reading titles, wake up: this article is about TEA. How to Make Tea? Don’t scoff at me! Making Tea is not a simple case of chucking a tea-bag in. Anyone who thinks so seriously needs to look in the mirror and drag what remains of their tortured soul out and give it a through and sound kicking! If you really analyse it, you can trace all the problems of humanity back to Making Tea. I believe it is the one simple thing which can change the course of humanity more than anything else. Imagine the power that would be generated—give up imagining, because you might have a hemorrhage and this writer is not responsible for such things—if EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH made a cup of tea simultaneously! The world would spin backwards, time would go backwards, and we’d have enough power to go into the future without biodiesel, without politicians ruining everything, AND we’d have tea!

I need to calm down.

And a friend assures me that the statement I just made is utterly untrue. But I don’t care, because by being so pedantic he is missing the point! Tea has power, and there’s some kind of saying about numbers being strong, or something, so there.

The question of how to make tea though, what a biggie it is! Right up there with ‘what is life’ and ‘why do people still keep asking why the sky is blue?’ There being no universal tea-making guide—and set of laws to enforce, which the new government could do worse than enforce—the problem of how to make it has often led to fights to the death in the North of England. It’s tea war out there! So whatever you do, in the future, please be careful about how you make tea, and who you make it with.